Dust Bunnies and Dragons

Everything is okay

Look into my eyes… Tell me what you see…

I’m having one of those moments where I really hate being a woman.  Like if I could do this all over again, I’d be a guy and I’d be a fat fur seal.  But all of that is besides the point.  I’m hormonal and I’ve got a couple of shots in me so I’m even more irrational than normal.

I got home today, and instead of spending a nice quiet night at home to recover from my long week, Jim is throwing a party.  I was up late last night helping a coworker out and didn’t get enough sleep last night before having to get up early today.  All I wanted to do tonight was just kick my feet up, put on my fat comfy clothes and just sleep.  But no… No no no, that’s not happening.  What’s happening right now is I finally got to run away to my bedroom for some alone time so I could actually relax without some guy other than Jim drooling over me and touching me, trying to love on me.  I mean, everything about me right now is telling everyone else to back the fuck off and he’s just not getting it.  It drives me insane how some men can just be so thick.  Gah….

My day wasn’t all bad.  I actually had a great day at work.  First text message I got from my mother, whom I haven’t talked to in two days, was “FUCKING bitch!”  Which, made me just about die laughing in the middle of my showroom because my little sister came home to surprise my family. I knew all about it and didn’t say anything.  So that message was out of love and everything is fine.  Work was fine after that.  I love my guys there, they are a fine group of men that I’d do just about anything for.  It wasn’t until I got home that shit hit the fan.  You know things are great when the first thing you and your soon to be husband do after not seeing each other all day is fight and bicker.  Force a smile and move on…. That’s all I can really do.  And he’s my only safe haven right now when and if I decide to go back out and join said party.

And all of this really isn’t even the reason that I’m writing.  All of that was to get some of the clutter out of my head and off of my chest.  There’s so much more going on.  And I really just don’t know how to put into words, or form complete thoughts that follow a pattern or some kind of flow.  It’s all just random, so if you want to stop reading now, feel free.  I can’t promise that the rest of this will make much sense.  If you do continue, all I ask is that you bare with me and try to keep up.

…

When we’re together, you make me feel like I’m the only girl in the room and you make me feel so special.  I can’t help but smile whenever I look at you.  Even just the thought of you makes me grin like a little school girl or a child on Christmas morning.

You’ve come to mean so much to me that I hardly know where to begin.  I forget everything else because the amount of love I have for you takes up that much room in my body and is almost exploding out of me.  I know that sounds silly, but that’s really the only way I can explain it.  Christ, I think I’m lucky if I can form words whenever you’re around or I’m thinking about you.  Quiet literally, my brain pulls one of these “akdjfhasjef a;osidvhaksjefnc a;ksdfh aksjf; alksdhfakjsf” moves because it just doesn’t know what else to do.

I love that you let me be a total dork when we’re alone, or just hanging out.  I love the way you laugh at me when I’m being silly.  I love your smile and I like that I’m the one putting a smile on your face.  I like the way that we click, the way we mess together so well.  I like that we can completely disagree on something, “grr” at each other and then move on.  I like that when we argue, we argue right then and there and it’s finished after that.  I like that for the most part we are on the same page.

I’ve fallen more in love with you than I ever really planned.  I knew it was happening and I fought with myself for weeks about it.  At some point, it just snuck up on me and now I’m drowning in my emotions for you.  I’m trying to pull myself out of the currant and get myself back on to dry land, but the undertow is just too overwhelming at this point.  And off in the distance, through the gloom of the water, I see a giant white shark…  I can almost feel it’s teeth ripping into me.  The heart break that lies ahead of me.  I’m rushing towards it…

I’m so lost in the whirlwind of feelings that when I tell you I love you, I feel like I’m telling you good bye.  I’m walking such a fine line that I’m so afraid to blink.  I want to reach out to you but I can’t.  I scared that you’ll push me away.  I’m also afraid to hurt you even more than what we’ve already done.  I don’t regret us, I regret our situation.  I wish like hell things were different and I find myself praying that maybe they will be.  I know, deep down, they won’t.  But the little girl in me has hope… She’s lost in her fairy tale world of happy endings. I want one for us but I know that it’s not going to be that way.  We’re even more tragic than Romeo and Juliet.

And even knowing all of that, I still love you with all of my being.  Maybe because of how torn up I am with all of this, maybe that’s why I can never truly explain to you everything I’m feeling.  160 Characters in a little text message isn’t enough.  And here I am rambling in a blog.

Every love song I hear, I think mostly of you.  I close my eyes and I can feel you holding my hand.  I can hear your laugh, see your smile, and that sparkle in your eyes.  I cried whenever you texted me and then Iris came on.  The timing sent chills down my spine.  I could search for the right words forever, and never come as close to explaining everything as that song does.  Listen to it, really listen to it.  Close your eyes and think of me.  It’ll all make sense then.

If kissing was a language, I’d be able to explain everything that way.  God knows I can’t get enough of your lips and the way they feel.  Whenever I’m kissing you, I have to try so hard not to smile and giggle.  If you could understand the passion behind every single one, you’d be able to see what I’m saying.  I just don’t know how to convey this to you.

God I want to scream.  I want to laugh.  I want to cry.  You make me feel all of these things and I just don’t know what to do with myself.

And a simple ‘I know what you mean” would probably just make things so much better.  Then I’d be able to at least relax more and be a little more of myself than one of the two extremes that you see.  Really, I usually am fairly well balanced.  You just drive me nuts.

And I don’t know how to end this post.  But I feel like if I don’t stop now, I’m not going to and the next time you see me, you’ll just smile and shake your head, call me a dork and then in a text message simply say “Ditto” or some such nonsense because that’s just how you are.  And I love it.  I love you.

Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.

There’s a lot that I want to tell you.  I want to trust you, I really do.  It’s quiet possible that you are right and I’m just looking for some one who I can lean on.  I want to believe that if I jump from this ledge, you’ll catch me.  I want to, but I’m not going to.

You make my head spin and my heart race.  Whenever you touch me, it’s like electricity running through my veins.  I enjoy the stolen moments we have together.  I like the way I feel whenever you make me smile.  Your laugh lightens my dark world.  All the little things you do for me send me into a tizzy.  You have me thinking that you may just be the one who can wake up the girl I used to be.

And yes, maybe I am scared of all that.  There are a million thoughts buzzing around in my skull and the noise is deafening.  More often than not, all I want to do is sit down and scream.  But it’s my world.  They are my problems.  If I should be able to handle them, therefore, I’m not going to put them on anyone else.  Nor tell other people about them because people just don’t care.

What you need to understand is that I have a lot of hurt underneath my skin.  I fell once and I fell hard.  I got burned and abused.  You’re fighting a losing up hill battle.  I’m not going to let myself be that vulnerable again.  It’s better off this way.  I’d fall for you if I knew that my broken wings could carry me away if you didn’t catch me.  I’d let you melt the ice around my heart if I knew it wouldn’t just freeze again if you walked away.  I’d be willing to let you lighten my world if I was sure they wouldn’t go out.

So much for things not being complicated.  Sometimes I think you’re just one kiss away from breaking down all of my defenses.  That…. That scares the ever living hell out of me.  I have my walls and I’ve lived with them for a long time, I’ve forgotten what it’s like not having them.  I’ve managed to be the stronger person in my relationships, I’m independent and I don’t lean on any one. The idea of leaning on another person is terrifying and I don’t think I can do it.

You drive me crazy and I don’t know how to put into words all the things I want to tell you.  I do know that good bye sucks.  That it bothers me that I can never have what I want.  I can try to be happy with these few moments we are given and I’ll deal with that.  But just know that you are always on my mind and always in my heart.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)