Dust Bunnies and Dragons

Some of these are actually pretty funny

So it’s been a while

It’s been a while since my last post.  Right after I wrote it, I got blitzed at a party and I don’t remember much of it.  And I also got another job.

I love love love love love LOVE my new job.  I’m a car saleswoman.  Well, that’s what I will be after my license gets here.  I’m excited!

I’ll update more later.  I have a busy day planned and I’m getting started.  Have a photo shoot with the boyfriend creature.  Later!

I’m laying here on the floor where you left me

My head is splitting open and I have a bruise on the left temple. Nice.

I spent the vast majority of last night crying.  A job that gives you extreme stress and panic attacks after only 4 days of working there, can’t be good, right?  I didn’t think so and neither did my parents.  So I quit and seeing how I was approved for unemployment, I filed my first claim.  That check is going to Jim, however, to pay him for the shirts, shoes, and pants that were needed for me to start this job. That’s another heart ache in and of itself, really.  They had piles of shirts to just hand out to employees, but they want you to go out and buy your own… I’m not sure I understand the logic there.  Also, they treat their training employees like shit.  At the end of my shift on Wednesday, one of the managers had treated me so badly that I had to stop and ask her if I had done something and what I could to fix the problem. She said:  No, that’s just my personality and you’re training.  So as I’m to understand, you can be all buddy-buddy with everyone else, but you are a complete and total cunt to your trainees?  That’s great management at work.  No thank you.  You can take your insulting employees and stuff it.  The job itself was easy enough, when someone FINALLY explained what they expect of me and what they want done during my shift, on my THIRD day.  I thought that all of this stuff was covered on day one in normal training?  Because that’s how it worked everywhere else I’ve ever had any amount of training.  Whatever, I should be done dwelling on it.  It was a failed venture and nothing more.  “Stepping Stones,” as Jim would say.

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Along with bawling my eyes out last night, other darker thoughts were running through my head and that lead to some interesting searches.  Whenever the pay checks come through, and after I pay back some debts, if I have an extra $50 laying around, I’m going to buy a helium tank.

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So now I’m still filling out applications.  I never really stopped.  It feels like it’s almost a hobby of mine, or rather a job.  I should be getting paid to fill out all of these applications.  I’m running out of places.  And I’ve put enough of my personal information out there that I feel like anyone who wants to be me, can be me with no problem.  And I almost don’t care about it.  Maybe they’ll have better luck being “Aileen MacPherson” than I did.  They can’t really do any more damage to my identity that I haven’t done already.

…

I slept for 3 hours… I’m really feeling it.  My eyes are blood shot and it looks like I’ve been smoking something.  Peachy.  My stomach is still in my throat and I’m hungry. If I eat now, I’ll just end up puking because of the emotional roller coaster I happen to be on.  What I wouldn’t give to get off of this ride.  The ups and downs are breaking me.  I would love nothing more than to be on a level ride that has no twists or turns, no ups or downs. Just a flat, boring, straight forward, “This is the direction you are going in, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  You’re going this way,” type of ride.

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Brock finally got a job.  I figure in about two weeks, I’ll call it quits and set him free.  That’ll give him time to make friends and get into a routine.  I’m going to miss that hell out of him though. …I’m surprised I can still cry after last night…

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Jim is off at work and things aren’t great right now between us.  It’s the stress of the job hunt and me being out of work for so long.  I think I’m going to move back to my parent’s house and let him be too. I was foolish for thinking that I could make him happy.  With that being said, I should probably start packing.  Maybe being trapped and confined to a room upstairs in their house will give me time to make peace with my life once again before…

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The weather is going to be terrible today.  Mark and Natalie are in town.  There’s a job fair down at the Holiday Inn in Indiana.  There’s a couple of places hiring in Brookville and Clarion. I landed an interview with Tri Star Motors in Blairsville.  Travel travel travel…

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Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, Blue October, Theory of a Deadman, and Seether are all running through my head.  Followed by the same haunting thoughts I’ve been living with the past few years of my life.  It always seems like my life is more of a downward slope with a tiny hill of hope followed by a steeper decent.  Not to mention the “Clock of Doom” is still happily tick tick ticking away above my head like the Sword of Damocles.  I want to wake up from this nightmare.

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A lot of good my faith is doing for me.  I’m spiritual, not religious.  And I’ve been asking for some guidance, some help, a push in the right direction.  Show me the light.  And… Nothing… Wonderful.  “When Life gets you down, pray.  It always helps.”  Bull. Shit. And not just a little pile of bullshit, no, a HUGE HEAPING pile of it.  If my soul had an type of value, I’d be more that willing to sell it.  I wonder how much I could get for it on eBay… And while I’m at it, I might as well sell some organs.  How much are kidneys going for?

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I wish that I had some happy news to counter balance all of this depressing news in this one post.  That sentence seems clunky… I’m far too out of sorts to fix it though.  I feel like I should sum up this post with some sort of sarcastic and bitter thought.

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ALL the most depressing things EVER.   …Yeah… That works.